Thursday, March 31, 2011

Week 20

I know why people do drugs now... At least I think I know. Before, I never stood why people seek that high, day after day... to escape reality! In the past, especially in my youth, my reality was very bad... But, I chose working out and using women as my "drug." I think mostly what saved me was the precedent set by my drug addict mother, step-father, aunt, uncle, and later 1st love, I knew what drugs could cause and wanted no part of it. As a man, I can count my "friends" on the fingers of one hand and my wife as all I REALLY have. Although I've learned it's more than enough, people make mistakes & people die. So after that, all I REALLY have is my word and that is IRON. I've never worn a "filter" in my communication to my fans or to the public in general. I don't respect other fighters/athletes/stars that act one way to the camera, and another in reality. People who say what they are expected to say, what is politically correct to say, or what an agent told them to say, make me sick. Because of this, no matter how great a fighter I become, I'll never be the poster child of any big corporation... but because of this I will always be able to respect myself and that matters most. Also, I live my life publicly to all of you, so that you can all relate to someone "famous" and see that I feel the same as you and suffer and enjoy the same. As much as I always speak of, "HATE this, HATE that," I really LOVE a lot and if me being me hurts me, here and there... but helps others... it's worth it.

Plain and simple, I'm miserable in here... It's the boredom, the NOTHING. It's eating me up. I came here 195 lbs, I'm now 175 lbs. and I didn't have fat to lose, so that shit is muscle. My wife struggles financially as she still hasn't received her green card and all that to work... and I can't do anything to help. If not for my friends, I don't even know what we would do. I hear the stories of other guys here suffering even worse. They are looking at YEARS in prison, with pregnant wives, children and all the shit that goes with it, and my heart hurts for them. Most of the guys aren't "bad people" and jail won't change their mistakes, it's only killing their spirit & destroying their families. As I've mentioned in earlier blogs, all these guys are constantly using dope. Until now, every "junkie" in my life hid it from me, so I've never been able to understand it. In here, I'm always asking, "What is that one like?"

I dunno, it's the human curiosity I guess. I mean is there really somethin' "magic" that truly is so great it's worth ruining lives? The same curiosity that makes me ask what it's like, is what makes others find out for themselves. From talking to everyone here, yeah it feels good, but really it just makes them forget. Forget what ever may be the current problem in their lives haunting them. Then, the thing that separates life-long addicts from the temporary ones seems to be the longevity and seriousness of those problems to THEM. I was raised by a cop, my dad, and he had me to believe that the hard drugs can leave you hooked your 1st time, forever fucking your life. Here, everyone calls "bullshit" on that. A lot of them have had YEARS of sobriety in between using, and the real "relapse" is just a new problem they don't want to deal with, and in turn, they mask it with dope.

Back to me and the reason I am bringing up the whole dope issue... I'm ashamed of myself in here. Since I was 14, I've worked out 5 or 6 days a week, never bullshitting for more than a month. Right now, I can't stick to any type of regiment for more than 10 days! I'm showing a weakness to myself that I never even knew existed... I'm so bored & miserable I even consider joining in with the guys and getting fucked up. I feel like I want to be high EVERY day, just like them. And just like them, float around here care-less to the world. How nice it would be to erase this endless boredom, to forget this situation and just "wake up" when it's over. I'm convinced I'd never get addicted; I know I could stop and get out resuming the life of an athlete. I just always promised myself I'd NEVER do that shit, so I don't. Fuck, I hate to feel this weak. If there is one reason that I know I'll never do anything to land myself back in jail again... it's this.

I never want to feel so physically & MENTALLY weak again. It embarrasses me to admit how weak I am. Fuck, even fighting, I KNOW I could smash anyone here in seconds, but I'm forced to realistically be a coward. Even if someone hit me I'd be scared to defend myself! I KNOW that the DA (and the rest of the ones that love taking away our human rights) are just waiting, frothing at the mouth, to hear I was involved with any type of trouble like that. It's a sad day in the U.S. when a man has to be scared to rightfully defend himself. And this knowledge, that I can not and must not defend myself, just adds to the deterioration of my mental strength. Oh, and this week is my b-day (Nov. 30th). I'll be 29. Soon after, it will be Christmas and this just furthers gets me down.

I know these next couple of months are gonna be rough. And shit... there's a young kid here only 18 years old... He just got sentenced to LIFE for a murder that he did not commit. He's young and impressionable and in a gang, but that's the life of a young Mexican who grows up in the barrio. He's a good kid though, he just needs some guidance. What happened was that him and his older "homie" were walking to the store and a few rival gangsters jumped them. His older homie shot and killed one of them. The 2 that survived told the cops that it was the youngster and the older guy and they were arrested. The 18 yr. old did the right thing and didn't "rat" on his partner. But the older guy refused to step up and take responsibility for what he did, and instead, let this young kid who, who proved his loyalty, go down right along with him. I'm depressed for him. He tries to smile and act okay, but I know he's not. The DA knows the truth... the older one's dumbass bragged about it on Facebook! But the DA's office proved once again that they don't want to find the truth, they just want to put more human beings in prison. They wouldn't even offer the kid any type of deal! He didn't do anything but be poor, come from a family with no role models, and join a gang. Now he will spend his entire life in prison, never eligible for parole. It's fucked up. I wish there was some way to help him, but wishes are for genies and genies aren't real.
Jon Koppenhaver #10754342